Red Alert's Firsts
by Randomus Prime
Summary: The grand, scary, not-so-epic, untold life story of our favorite paranoiac is coming to fanfiction in ways you probably though of already! Crack, suggestive themes, paranoia, red Autobots and tons of freaking out! Tickets available for free!
1. Chapter 1

_**Red Alert And His First Day In Training**_

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**It took me sometime but finally, I came to post this series!**

**You see, when it comes down Red Alert, just on his own he is a comedy gold mine and I am digging the ever-living scrap out of it!**

**A few things you should know about this series, it may not follow chronological order (if it doesn't, I will specifically say so) (I will do my best to keep them in chronological order) and it some of them may conflict with each other in terms of some things happening (I apologize in advance, I will do my best) but overall I think this is a very enjoyable little project! I already have a few written but I want to figure out some that should go before some of the ones I already wrote so ... this series may take a long while to be updated after next week ...**

**So I saw Rapunzel today! By Disney! It was actually a lot better than I expected. Well, it is still rather cliche in a number of parts but overall I do have to say that I enjoyed that movie! She was very cute! Shut up, a guy can dream, right?**

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><p>The world was a scary place, the war was a scary thing and people were scary too. Everything was scary.<p>

Red Alert walked into the barracks and saw the twenty something other mechs, like him, recruits.

"Um, ok, no need to panic," the dicolor closely inspected everything and everyone in the room as he walked in, "Yet."

A sudden silence befell the room, everybody looking at the car.

"_No need to panic, no need to panic, they are just all staring at me, probably wanting to harvest my organs …_" He raised his hand, "H-hi?"

No response followed. After gazing at him for another good few astroseconds, everybody turned back and continued their conversations.

"_I am not dead! Yay!_"

"ATTENTION!" A powerful voice roared through the whole facility, frightening all younglings.

"_WHAA! IAMGONNADIEIAMGONNADIE!_"

"WHAA! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"Wha…" The recruit again became the center of attention as he slammed his head on the ceiling when he jumped in panic.

"OOOWWW!"

"Hey! What's with all the noise?" A grey mech came up to the dicolor, "You all right, kid?"

"I am sorry! I didn't mean to break your ceiling!"

"Eh, kid, what's yer name?"

"_Oh, Cybertron, this is it! They will kill me and probably sell me for spare parts!_"

"R-r-red Alert."

"My name is Kup. Come on," the oldbot helped the dicolor back up, "I will take you to Ratchet."

"Not so fast, Kup," a red, tough-looking mech slowly walked up to them, "He ain't goin' nowhere."

"Iron Hide, Red Alert just made a hole in the ceiling, he could have a concussion …"

"I don' give no damn if he had his head chopped off 'n' served Megatron with Jazz's speshl energon with a petro-rabbit side dish …"

"_I am dead …_"

"Need I remind you that a soldier with a potential wound …"

"Need I remin' you that he ain't no fraggin' soldier 'till I say so?"

"_I am so dead …_"

"He may have a concussion!

"He'll be havin' more than jus' them jibber-jabber concussions," the red mech slammed his hands together so loud that it scared everyone. Then, he squinted at Red Alert "'Specially afteh I'm through with 'im."

"_Meep …_"

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><p>"Oh, Cybertron!" He was never so tired in his life. All his muscles were screaming from strain, his systems on the verge of a critical meltdown, "We will have to do this again tomorrow?"<p>

"Ey!" A red minibot pushed Red Alert, almost throwing him off the chair and grabbing yet another drink of high-grade as he wobbled from one side to another, "What the frag is yer problem? Can't handle a lil' trainin'?"

"A little?"

"Yer an Autobot! At least you seem to wear the logo but are ya really one of us?"

"E-excuse me?"

"How do I know yer not a traitor?"

"I am not a traitor!"

"That's what they all say!"

"… b-b-b-but …"

"How do I know you ain't gonna come back to Megatron and whine how hard it is to become an Autobot?"

"I am not a Decepticon!"

"So you say but who the frag knows you?"

"I am scared of them!"

"Then why 're ya here? Spyin' for Megatron I bet."

"I am not a spy!"

"Ya think that with all the high-profilin' you did there nobody would notice or think about you bein' a spy but I got you in my optics!"

"What high-profiling?"

"With all the jumpin' and ceilin' breakin', showing off …"

"I threw up four times in the middle of this torture!"

"So ya do agree that we were interrogatin' ya?"

"What? No!"

"Well there's bound to be at least one spy among those slagging recruits."

"S-say what?"

"Traitors, all o' them! With their collapsin' 'n' breaks 'n' emotional breakdowns 'n' other slag to make us think they are just recruits."

"All of them?'

"All o' them! Traitors! Decepticons! Spies!"

"Holy Cybertron!"

"Ya bet yer spyin', lyin', throwin' up aft!"

"I know that I am not a traitor!"

"Do ya know that yar not or do ya think yar not?"

"What?"

"Ya could be thinkin' that yar not of them traitors but you could be programmed to think that!"

"Oh, frag!"

"'N' all yer actions could be driven by some sort of a nefarious traitor, Decepticon programming out there to betray us and spy on us!"

"Holy Cybertron! What if I really am a spy!"

"I don' know 'bout spy but yer definitely a traitor."

"I am not a traitor!"

"Ya barely made it 'live through the first day."

"How does that indicate that I am a traitor?"

"Real Autobots wouldn't faint three times after bench pressin' a couple of tons for a few cycles!"

"I can't lift my own weight!"

"Then yar a traitor, traitor!"

"You couldn't lift up even half of a ton!"

"I can fraggin' figure out yar a traitor! That's good 'nough!"

"Eep!"

"If yar so scared of everthin' then why 're ya here? Some sort of punishment from Megatron?"

"I just want to protect Cybertron!"

"From yarself?"

"I am not a traitor!"

"Ya keep sayin' that but so far ya ain't givin' me no proof."

"I am too tired to do anything!"

"An Autobot wouldn' be tired."

"We are all tired!"

"And all of ya traitors! Those lambotwins, Bluestreak, Grapple, Powerglide, Warpath, Iron Hide, Kup …"

"Kup is one of the oldest Autobots!"

"'N' who's ta say he ain't old to make us trust him?"

"Holy Cybertron? Really?"

"Ya!"

"What about Iron Hide is the recruit trainer!"

"Trainin' all of ya to become traitors!"

"Say what?"

"Traitors 'n' spies 'n' Decepticons!"

"B-b-but Grapple is an architect!"

"Buildin' all these things to harbor traitor armies!"

"By The Matrix!"

"See what I mean?"

"What about Warpath? Warpath is a veteran!"

"A spy!"

"Is there anybody I can trust?"

"If ai w're you," a mech with a gun for a hand butted into the conversation, "Ai wouldn' list'n tah eh single word he be seyhing."

"Traitor!," the minibot spouted , wobbling for one last time on his seat and falling on the floor. He then mumbled before shutting off his optics and going into recharge, "Traitors all of ya …"

"He could be right!"

"Ya gonna list'n tah Cliffjumpah? The mech's eh nutcase!"

"… b-b-but …"

"He ain't right 'bout anyone, trust me, ai know 'im fer a lon' time 'n' nevah has he been righ' 'bout anyone bein' eh spy."

"Or a traitor?"

"Or eh traitah."

"What if you are just covering for him?"

"Yah see me draggin' the guy back tah his quartahs?"

"No."

"The'es yer answeh."

"Oh."

"By the way, name's Inferno."

"Red Alert."

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it! More is to come! Remember, I am not dead ... just painfully slow ...**

**Forgot to add one thing! You won't really have to remember anything that happened in the past chapters, most of the general (big) events I will be loosely taking from cannon and the pairings are, well, pretty obvious ... aren't they ... so basically I will just be filling in some of the gaps here and there in Red Alert's life in this series ... woohoo ... ! ...**

**So, please don't forget to leave a review!**

**Thanks to Crescent-Moon-Demon for editing and reviewing!**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Red_ _Alert's_ _First_ _Shift_**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**I will need to stop updating this series for a little while until I sort some things out but do believe you me, they are not dead! I got plenty of ideas trickling through my processor!**

**People, do NOT stay awake for 3 days straight, feeding on just energy drinks, it will slowly murder the crap out of you. How do I know? Personal experience. Felt like doing something really stupid last Sunday and so I did what I just suggested all of you not to. The results ... I don't even remember anything ...**

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><p>Months upon months of tortuous training at the hands of Iron Hide and other veteran Autobots has finally ended and it was time for "graduating".<p>

"Yer fellers had eh good time?" the red mech lined up all the recruits and one by one, looked deep into each of their optics, "well, if yeh did, I'm gonna hafta disappoint yeh kids, fun time's over."

"No more drills?" Red Alert, spark filling up with hope, turned to his instructor.

"Yeh, I know, I'm sad too but hey! Yeh kids 're gonna be assigned posts!"

"Wh-wh-what?"

"Pardon me?"

"What?"

"Are you for real?"

"Are you serious?"

"Ain't it too soon?"

"Scared, traitors?"

"Active duty already?"

"Well, what c'n I tell yeh fellers, I know yeh guys gonna miss me 'n' I'm gonna mis yeh too."

"Really?"

"No, now get ye rafts atta mai training grounds!"

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><p>"Active duty?"<p>

"They must be joking!"

"We are not even done with our training!"

"Will yer traitors just shut up?"

"This frag ain't cool, man!"

"They have got to be joking!"

"This is an outrage!"

"We won't last a second on a battlefield!"

"Attention!" a voice easily overpowered everybody else's as its owner, a white and black mech, walked into the room with a datapad in his servos, "My name is Prowl, I am the Security Officer and I will be assigning all of you to your guard posts."

"Guard duty?"

"Weak dude!"

"Yeah! What that guy said!"

"Want a battlefield instead?"

"No!"

"Slag no!"

"Are you crazy?"

"Then I advise all of you to keep quiet and let me go through this," the SO lift his hand up, showing the datapad to everyone, "now, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe?"

"Yes!"

"Here!"

"Warehouse 231 C, go."

"… but …"

"… but …"

"No buts, go."

"He doesn't like buts!"

"Hehehe …"

"Neither do I like putting recruits into the same brig with Decepticons."

"Yeah! That'll teach those traitors!"

"Grapple, Windcharger and Cliffjumper, you are stationed at the armories."

"Got it."

"Sir, yes, sir!"

"There ain't gonna be a single one o' you getting' past me …"

As Prowl kept naming and sending his new comrades off to their posts, Red Alert couldn't help but get a really, really bad feeling about all of this. Even though the assignments didn't sound all that dangerous, just look around and report suspicious activity, he couldn't get rid of the nagging, unsettling thought that he would be assigned to a real warzone.

"… Red Alert …"

"Huh? Yes! P-present!"

"You will be entering combat!" a slithering whisper came from behind.

"WHAAAA!" the car jumped up and yet again smashed his head on the ceiling, making another hole.

"PFHAHAHA!"

"AHAHAHA!"

"Oh, wow, you were right! It was totally worth it!"

"That never gets old!"

"Red Alert, come with me, the rest of you, off to the brig!"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Come on," Prowl helped up the slightly wobbling mech, "you will be guarding the science labs."

"Oh, that doesn't sound too bad! Um, mean, too, um, vital."

"Uhuh. Well, you will be ensuring security in Wheeljack's lab."

"Wh-Wheeljack?"

"Yes, Wheeljack."

"Oh, that, doesn't sound scary!"

"Um," the security officer looked at the new recruit, opened his mouth to say something but in the last minute changed his mind, "no, he is absolutely not scary at all …"

"_… is he being sarcastic?_"

"And the best quality about him, he is sane unlike the many scientists you hear about."

"What?"

"Eh, never mind, we are here," Prowl swiped his card on the identifier mechanism and both walked in, "Wheeljack!"

"Jus' eh sec!"

Red Alert looked around as his imagination began going haywire from the sight. Tables filled with the most random junk of the weirdest shapes and sizes that strongly reminded the car of his childhood nightmares, "_well, I am not sleeping tonight._"

On the other end of the room were some strange mechanisms, light bulbs and buttons, some flashing with red, some cracking static, electrical discharges and at times building up sound charges that made it look like they were about to violently explode, "_I want my mommy._"

In the center was probably the thing that scared the new guard the most, a whole mountain of whatever the frag those things were. He could have sworn that some of them moved, "_so this is how it ends._"

"WOW! WATCH OUT!" suddenly the mountain dangerously wobbled and quickly began tilting towards the two security personnel. Before they could do anything both were drowning in the sea of scrap-metal and half-dead electronic, "Sorry 'bout that, lost my balance there fer eh moment."

"AAAAHHHH!" Red Alert emerged from the piles of junk like a mermech but with legs and screaming like a little fembot. As the trajectory took him to fall on Wheeljack, he instinctively caught him, the new security guard ended up being held in his arms, "I AM TOO SCARED TO DIE!"

"Um," the engineer looked at the recruit with a lot of irritation, "lil' girl, I don' have any enehgon lollipops …"

"I AM SORRY!" he jumped off the senior Autobot and fell back into the junk piles, "AAAH! THEY ARE KILLING MEEEEE!"

Bloting his way out of it especially when he felt something in the garbage move and bite him, the dicolor, almost crying, ran into the farthest corner of the room, grabbed his knees and dug his helm into his servos:

"… iamgonnadieimmagonnadie …"

"Where deh frag do yeh find guys like this?" the head engineer helped Prowl to get back on his feet, "the guy's a …"

"… iwannagohomeiwannagohome …"

"I apologize, it is his first day."

"Yeh, I can see that!"

"All right, Red Alert, let's go …"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO …" the car quickly crawled under one of the tables, took out a bag and put it over his head, "I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!"

"What deh slag is his problem?"

"Red Alert, this is an order …"

"I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"Fragging great," Wheeljack facepalmed, "yet another nutcase on the loose …"

"I WANT MY BLANKY!"

"You are the one to talk …"

"Hey! Wuzzat supposed teh mean, huh, Misteh I-Got-Extreme-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disordeh …"

"I assure you I do not!"

"BWAAAAHAAA!"

"It's so easy teh mess with ya, it ain't funny!"

"Try me."

"Hey, Prowl."

"I AM GONNA DIE!"

"Yes?"

"I folded one ef the pages in one ef yer books."

For a few astroseconds, a dead silence only interrupted by the freaking out security guard, befell the room.

"DAMN YOU!" the Security Officer ran out of the room as fast as he could, transformed and leaving a trail of skid marks, rapidly drove to his quarters.

"Moron," Wheeljack turned to Red Alert, "he doesn' even have any books. There really ain't no sane people otheh than me on this base. Holy Cybertron!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"Urgh, now I am stuck with this clown. LEAVE!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Red Alert flipped over the table and with his bag still on the head, panicked, running into one of the bigger working machines.

"NO! THAT'S THE CLONING POD!"

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><p>"Smokescreen, who is next on the list?"<p>

Optimus sometimes accompanied the shrink on his check-ups, few things rose the morale as much as a personal appearance of their seemingly all-mighty leader who wouldn't think twice before sacrificing his life for their well-being.

"I believe next is …" the psychologist was interrupted by one of the science lab doors breaking down and dozens of Red Alerts burst out like an ocean wave, screaming off the top of their lungs from the sheer terror as they kept piling on top of one another.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"I'LL BE GOOD!"

"AAAAHHH!"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY WHEELJACK!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"DON'T KILL ME!"

"HEEEEELP MEEE!"

"Hey," the Autobot leader turned to Smokescreen who was still recovering fro shock and pointed in the general direction of Red Alerts, "how about this guy?"

"We don't have any normal people, do we …"

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it! I will begin posting more as soon as I can, please be patient!**

**The other day I realized I need to get a life after looking through like a hundred forum threads where they discussed "Unicron vs Galactus" ... we all know Optimus Prime would win ... come on ...**

**Please leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


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